In these "marriage humdrum" blog entries, we’ll look at a bunch of different warning signs that will help us identify marriage pits that most couples drift into. And, we’ll look at the decisions necessary to having fun again together.
Marriage Humdrum Part 3
Men, do you ever wonder, "How are my wife and I ever going to get out of this funk in our marriage when we don't even like to do the same things anymore?"
"Maybe if I had met her through e-harmony or something we would have been more compatible."
Several years ago, Raegan and I led a pre-marital course for some couples, and on our first night we were going around asking couples to introduce themselves and tell us how they met. Well...before we started this exciting icebreaker, I had just shared some sarcastic thoughts about e-harmony and other match making websites.... As you can imagine one of the couples had met at one of these very sites!
I had to back-peddle and explain what I meant. I was making fun of these commercials in that you can have these "obviously" happy marriages by just taking an assessment and getting matched up. I like that marriage is celebrated as fun and happy on these commercials, but this can also be misleading.
Compatibility is not nearly as important as Character.
It's less about what we have in common and much more about our integrity, commitment, and sacrifice we display in our character as men through the grace and forgiveness of Jesus working through us in the power of the Holy Spirit.
God gave us an instruction manual in the Bible about marriage relationships so that we might truly live with the joy and intensity of satisfaction that He created us to experience in the Song written by Solomon. Eight very practical and sometimes explicit chapters.
"The fragrance of your perfume is intoxicating; your name is perfume poured out. No wonder young women adore you." Song of Songs 1:3Here we see Solomon's wife is drunk with her desire for Solomon not because of compatibility but because of his name. She said his name was like purified oil.
Purified oil is the first pressing of oil from the olive trees that surrounded Jerusalem. The first pressing of oil (the extra virgin olive oil), was the oil used in the lampstand that burned day and night in the temple. She was saying, "your name is of highest quality." In that day names represented someone's reputation, virtue, integrity and character.
Your character, not your chemistry, determines your commitment to enjoy each other for life. Moral slackness is the number one cause of divorce in this country. Adultery, debt, and not practicing promises are symptoms of a spouse's lack of character. Surface integrity leads men to look for an easy out when we find ourselves on the poorer side of "for richer or poorer" or on the worse side of "for better for worse."
Please don't hear me saying that compatibility isn't important. Having things in common just isn't going to hold you to your vows, but character does. So, work on your character, men. Allow the Holy Spirit to invade your mind and hearts, so that when you're pressed in your marriage and in life, what comes out will be purified oil. And, your name will be synonymous with honesty, love, and godly character.
Next time you see an online-dating commercial, don't be hoodwinked. You're not in a rut in your marriage because you didn't take a test before marrying. Your marriage humdrum state may have more to do with what is going on in your heart.
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