In these "marriage humdrum" blog entries, we’ll look at a bunch of different warning signs that will help us identify marriage pits that most couples drift into. And, we’ll look at the decisions necessary to having fun again together.
Marriage Humdrum Part 4
I remember my sophomore year in college, my basketball team went to national playoffs. We were the Cinderella team that squeaked by in last place. We won three games in our conference tournament to earn our spot. (2 in overtime and one in double overtime!)
Our first game in the tournament was against the number 2 ranked team, and I consistently made mistakes throughout the first half. I thought I'd tried everything. Normally--being 6'8", quick, and a great shooter--I could shoot over, drive around, or step back and shoot a jump shop against my opponent with relative ease. Not this guy. 7'2" with quicks! He was completely throwing off my game. Again and again I kept repeating the same mistakes.
Insanity is defined as repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Proverbs refers to this when it describes the disgusting habit of some of our pets:
"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly" Proverbs 26:11Fools repeat mistakes and wise people learn from their mistakes. We all make mistakes. The real issue is whether we will learn from them.
"I did it again!"
Do you ever think that or say that? I do. It happens quite a bit in my marriage. Couples will often say, "We've tried everything, but we cannot get any resolution to this issue. We don't know what else to do."
We haven't tried everything, though. More than likely we have tried a few things multiple times. This pattern drains marriage of fun and intimacy. You begin to think, "We've been down this road before, and here we are again. Why can't we get anywhere with this? Why are we still fighting over the same old issues?"
Parents and teachers share this tendency. If you don't think your child or student is understanding, simply repeat louder. Add passion or emotion. Pound something... this almost never works.
Try something new.
For example: Communication in marriage. When your conversations feel stuck with your wife, approach from a different angle. Some kind of prop helps. A kid's microphone, a piece of paper with rules, a toy, something. Whoever has the prop has the floor and gets to talk.
Conversations flow so much better when you listen more than talk.
- Listen with your whole body.
- Remove distractions.
- Square off your body with your wife.
- Make eye contact.
- Focus on your spouse's words rather than formulating your next statement.
- And by all means, keep your mouth closed.
- Listen, understand, and validate. Your wife wants to know, "My husband was here, heard me, and understands where I am coming from."
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." James 1:19-21
Men, when you get in a monotonous rut, making the same mistakes over and over, try something new! At times it feels unnatural and forced, but let me tell you, it keeps our relationship more connected and fresh. And, let God's Word take root and grow in your soul, because therein lies the power to be someone new!
Here's the rest of the story on the basketball game. When my game wasn't working, I kept pulling out all the same tricks. I finally realized, I have to do something different. In the second half I tried to just draw as many fouls as I could on the behemoth and get to the line. We had gotten down by 30 points in the first half and came back within 3 points with a shot at the buzzer...which we missed! Lesson learned.
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