Fight the Issue, Not Each Other by Chad O

"Fight the issue, not each other"

Marital quarrels are inevitable and every couple will disagree sooner or later, even committed Christians. While conflict is uncomfortable, it is not necessarily bad. In fact, a "fair" fight can actually contribute to the quality of your marriage. If we we can learn to use our quarrels to resolve our differences, then anger can be constructive rather than destructive. A counselor friend suggested 5 rules for productive conflict resolution.

1. Use "I" messages rather than "you" messages.
"I" messages give your spouse a chance to evaluate what you are saying w/o feeling the need to defend themself. ex. "I feel angry when you do that".
2. Practice reflective listening.
Very hard for me to do in the heat of an argument, but if you force yourself to listen carefully before you speak, you will discover that the rewards are well worth the effort. ex. "It sounds like you feel hurt and angry when I..." lets the other person know you are listening.
3. Stick to the issue!
Many couples never solve anything because when they fight they can't stick to the issue. Here's a suggestion. The next time you find yourself in an argument, sit side-by-side with your spouse and not across from each other. Identify the issue and pretend "it" is sitting across from the two of you.
4. Don't hit below the belt.
Quit bringing up tender issues during an argument. You may win the argument but the marriage is badly wounded.
5. Don't go to bed mad.
My take on this one is different but I get the point. Arguing while I'm tired is never a good fight. So I assure Tania that "we" are okay and everything is going to be fine. We commit to discussing it later and have never slept apart because of an argument.

There is an old story about a farmer who observed wild animals during the winter. This pack of wolves would come down into the valley and attack the band of wild horses. The horses would form a circle with their heads to the center and work as a team to kick the wolves when they tried to enter the circle, driving them away.

The same wolves attacked a herd of wild jackasses. The animals also formed a circle , but they put their heads facing out toward the wolves. When attacked they began to kick and ended up kicking one another.

We have a choice between being smart as a horse or as stupid as a wild jackass. Do you want to kick the problem or each other.

Praying for you today...

Chad O