James 1:19 But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
Paul Tournier, the Swiss psychiatrist, advised husbands and wives to be preoccupied with listening in their marriages. Unfortunately, unlike our text, we are usually slow to listen, quick to speak and even quicker to become angry. Most of us don't need hearing aids; we just need aid in hearing.
The first step to really hear each other is to focus on the person speaking. Sometimes my kids are waiting for me when I come home after a hard day's work, and they try in vain to get my attention. Finally, Barbara will say, "Children, it would be better to talk to your dad in a few minutes, but not right now. He isn't home yet."
"Yes, he is," they'll exclaim. "He's right here."
"Yes, we know he's right here, but he doesn't know it yet. Be a little patient with him."
And sure enough, she's right. After I have a few minutes to relax, I can usually give focused attention.
Active listening helps to focus. To practice active listening, try sending back messages of empathy that let your spouse know you are trying to put yourself in his or her shoes. Don't try to evaluate or offer a lot of advice. Just reflect what you hear being communicated, showing that you're interested in what your spouse is feeling.
Once you establish communication with your mate through focused attention and active listening, you can seek clarification by asking questions. Questions are like crowbars that dislodge thoughts and emotions from another person's heart. But you have to use those crowbars deftly and gently.
Asking the right questions is particularly valuable if you're married to a person who is reserved and has a hard time opening up. And when you're disagreeing at even the mildest level, use questions to focus on clarifying valid points rather than defending yourself against what you feel are incorrect accusations.
Focus on finding the truth rather than gaining indictments. Ask questions to gain understanding, not to make judgments.
Prayer: That you and your family can maintain a healthy balance between speaking openly and focused listening.
Discuss: Pick a topic that's begging for discussion, and spend 5 or 10 minutes talking about it while practicing the listening skills outlined above. Then evaluate how you think the discussion might have been improved.
4 comments:
Fellas, I am not very good at this at all. I would hate to see myself on video and see all the nonverbal queues and facial expressions. And then he tells we are supposed to ask questions????? I did like his imagery, but that could also invoke another 10 mins of convo on something I need to pay attention to!!!!!!! I need a uninstall function and need to buy new attentive listening software (with the buy in the next fifteen minutes and get the free upgrade which includes the "Nonverbal Queue Master"). I am certain this is doable, but its gonna be a rough row to hoe. On the bright side, nobody deserves it more than my family and I am sure the rest of you feel the same about yours.
Blessings,
cas
Listening is definitely an important skill to have. I'm decent at it when it comes from a outgoing/sharing person but frankly I'm horrible when it comes time to use that crowbar deftly. My crowbar has the tendency to come with a sledgehammer. Oi!
Guys, great comments. Iceman I love the sledgehammer comment.
This topic is a lot like golf. The concept is extremely simple. Get the ball in the hole...just listen...but the execution is difficult.
Listening is putting the other person first. With my kids, they're getting to the point where it takes two crowbars sometimes, especially my middle school son. I offer up the cliche of 'how was school today'. With my wife, I ask if she got a lot done and then I check out as she describes her day...I
hey guys - my grandma is in hosp and dying - she has had a good long life (90) but it is still hard for me and especially for my mom. so if you have time, can you pray a little prayer for my mom. thanks.
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