1 Peter 3:7 You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way.
There is this maddening part of being a man. When Barbara comes to me with a problem, my mind immediately shifts into a "fix it" mode. I wanted to solve the problem, you know, get to the bottom line! But often, the most important thing our wives need is to know we hear them and we care.
The other day Barbara came to me discouraged because our lives had been incredibly busy, and she hadn't been at home as much as she wanted. She was so busy going to ministry, church, school activities and driving kids to different functions that she hadn't been able to clean the house.
And guess how I handled it? First I took it personally. I said, "Well, I help around the house a lot." But she wasn't accusing me of not helping-she was just sharing a burden she felt.
Then, typically, I came up with a solution. That night, I declared, the entire family would participate in a "Clean Up the House" campaign. And once again I missed the real issue-how she felt. It took a few moments for me to understand that what she needed was for me to just listen and understand her.
So I dug myself out of the hole I'd fallen into and told Barbara I was sorry I had missed her clues, that I didn't hear what she needed. I began to move toward her with the understanding and compassion she needed in the first place.
Want some advice? When your wife approaches you with a problem, repeat back to her what you think she said and ask her to confirm it. For example, I could have said to Barbara, "It sounds to me like you're discouraged because you feel like you've been busy. And the kids and I have allowed the house to get to where it looks like a small volcano has gone off. Is that right?"
Believe it or not, men, often that's all a wife needs-an understanding husband. Resist the urge to fix it immediately.
Prayer: That God will give you the ability to live with your wife in an "understanding way." Ask Him to help you communicate this to your wife.
Discuss: Ask your wife if this is what she generally needs in the above situation.
2 comments:
This may require a select all delete operation for me. All joking aside, it is dead on. And, well, I suck at it. At least I'm honest. This all boils down to what is called emotional intelligence. Your brain is programmed by two little lobes called amygdala. And when we respond too quickly without letting our rational brain kick in (which is about 6 secs), some call it an amygdala hijack. The amygdala is obviously very important as it helps us flee from danger etc. The key to overcoming this is to learn to improve your self awareness and be cognizant of our tendencies to just immediately offer solutions. Statistics suggest you only have about a 2-3% of becoming emotionally intelligent if you DO NOT have self awareness. There is a ton of info out there on this and Books by Goldman and others and even a good one he co-authored for parents and kids.
Blessings
cas
Yes, I've had this exact conversation with the Mrs. and yes, I've always tried to fix it. I could make lots of jokes about not understanding it, but I do. I just don't act on it/understand it IN THE MOMENT. That's where I fall. I have given excellent advice to a buddy who was having marriage troubles and I know that I only act out about 50% of the advice. Again, I know it, and can not get too worried about some of the things I can't fix it, but I don't always know how to do it at the time. As always, things to work on.
Have a great weekend,
crb
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