Ephesians 5:25 Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.
I like what Erma Bombeck says, that "marriage is life's last chance for adults to grow up." That's what many men need to do when dealing with the emotions their wives naturally face during different seasons of their lives. We need to understand those emotions and not belittle them.
The first thing I had to do to help Barbara grow emotionally was put aside my own agenda and selflessly reach out to her. You can't simultaneously be understanding and defending yourself. One gives way to the other.
Have I always known what to do when Barbara was working through her emotions? No. Did I take it personally? Absolutely. I remember taking all of Barbara's emotions like I was a failure. I had to choose to "give myself up for her," to help her with her emotions.
The second thing I needed to do was verbalize my commitment to her frequently. I was caught off guard by Barbara's insecurity regarding my love for her early in our marriage. Barbara's trust in me had to be built one brick at a time. You don't just walk down the aisle and all of a sudden have a trustworthy relationship. You have to constantly reaffirm that love and trust.
The third thing I had to do was to give her space for her identity, to reflect who God is in her life that makes her a woman. My assignment, as a man, is to take her emotions and to value them, never saying, "You shouldn't feel that way." I need to let her express what she's feeling. And respond by saying, "I'm glad you shared with me because I'm interested in how you feel."
Finally, you can gently point your wife to find her confidence in God by leading her in prayer together. Read through Psalm 31:1, which declares "In Thee, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be ashamed; in Thy righteousness deliver me." In Him, I have nothing to fear.
Prayer: Ask the Lord to help you both grow in your understanding of one another's emotions and to learn to be sensitive, to lovingly listen and affirm your mate.
Discuss: Are you encouraging or discouraging your wife in sharing her emotions? What can you do to start encouraging her and stop discouraging her?
4 comments:
Well, I am defintely not the best listener and really want to rush her to the point. I am defintely working on that. I think the prayer really caps this for me on what I should be doing - Father, help me grow in my understanding of her emotions and learn to be more sensitive, and to lovingly listen and affirm.
Amen
cas
ps - if you take a step back, it must be utterly frustrating to have the person who is supposed to be your best friend be impatient and not interested in what you have to say and why. To appear frustrated because you do not automatically give the bottom line and to rush you along when you are working through something. Gotta work hard on this.
CAS, I know all u scientists want to get to the results ASAP to move to the next trial...Seriously, thanks for being open about your struggles. This is a good reminder. I was a good listener earlier in our marriage. However, now after kids and 18 plus years of marriage I do find it difficult not to rush her during her venting frustration or worries. I also need to make sure I dont always finish her sentences for her. She definitely doesnt like it when I dont keep eye contact. (Its a little difficult when I'm driving.) My catch phrase is something like, 'Well, I dont think you need to worry about ...
CAS, your PS comment is spot on. We must all guard how the communication lines with as much attention as we can gather up.
I have to confess this weekend that I used a 'is it your time of the month' comment after she reacted fairly strongly to a couple of chores that I neglected. Things got pretty chilly and quiet after that. What made it worse is I said within earshot of my 12 year old son. BIG Violation on my part. I was so tempted to play the quiet game for the next day or two and remembered readin the blog contect over the last week. And I made a mental note to stop reading the blog for awhile...So I apologized to my wife and son for making such a childish remark. She quietly reminded me of how short my life would get if I ever pulled the PMS comment again. Which almost lead me to another comment but I resisted.
Guys, keep praying for each other.
yesterday was "one of those days" for me and my wife...i wasnt loving her as christ loved the church...the idea of putting my agenda aside is very difficult. i need to be on the same side of the table as her...working as a teammate, not the opponent trying to "win". i dont purposely do this, but i know that is the way i acted yesterday. i just didnt build her up the way i should have. it bugged me all night and really what bugged me was thinking God couldnt have been proud of my words or actions and that i didnt honor God. i have a long way to go on this.
CAS - great perspective in your PS. I am going to need to digest that one. I know that my wife has listened patiently to HOURS and HOURS of "discussion" (never whining or complaining when it comes from me) about my valuable work day. Time for me to get it right and do the same as her best friend.
Post a Comment